THE DAILY GUANO
POPE ADMITS TO HAVE BEEN "FAKING MASS" FOR YEARS!
The news comes as Pope Francis announces
he is auditioning for the lead role in a remake
of the children's classic "Home Alone".
"To be honest," said the Pope, in the stark interview, "the excitement had gone from the relationship a long time ago, and I found myself just going through the paces. It's not that I don't love the congregation. They were doing their best, and I didn't want to disappoint them, but it was the only way I could bring the whole lackluster affair to a conclusion most of the time."
The Lord's representative on Earth went on to say, "There were many reasons why I would fake it, though. Sometimes it was because I was tired and I just wanted it to be over. Other times I'd been at the communion wine before hand, and would just get lost in the moment and the theatrics. Most of the time though, I really liked them and didn't want them to feel like they were doing anything wrong, so I would just fake it to make them happy."
The Pope further defended his actions, stating, "I'm on old man. I couldn't be expected to perform every time the congregation needed their fix. After a while, it became habit. But, quite frankly, I'm amazed I even have the energy to fake it. And I'll bet the congregation wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway."
The latest news has sent shock waves through the Catholic church, with many congregations asking themselves if their priest has been faking it all this time as well.
A spokesperson for the Vatican flipped me the bird when I asked them to comment on the matter.
Have you had liturgical problems with your religious leaders? Look out next week for 10 ways to spot if your priest is faking mass....
